Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Miss Asumption....Miss Consumption

Okay so I was definitely way to hard on Mike. He has been way sweet and not so disconnected lately. I even called him "Mr. Disconnected" and he in turn called me "Miss Assumption. He actually has a point. I have to remember that he has kids and a busy job. I just can't assume the worst in people. I can't help it my last two relationships were a disaster and it just turns you into a fighter. So why not talk about them they might be interesting to someone.

I got married when I was 22. We weren't together but a little over a year. I was young and in love. He was young and an alcoholic...see what I mean by disaster. Matt was in the Air Force and was about to deploy. (It was right at the beginning of all this Iraq shit) So we decided to get married before he left for 6 months instead of wait like sane people would do. After he returned all was well he was the same jealous controlling alcoholic that he was when he left, but I still loved him. I was a dumb ass. He actually deployed once more for another 6ish months in our marriage. Those were the most peaceful 6 months I had. There was no one there to pick up after. I didn't have to answer to anyone and I could do what I want.

Matt had control over me and I had no idea. Everyone around me saw the way he treated me but I was oblivious. I wasn't aloud to go out with my friends except the neighbor and that was usually to Wal-Mart. Of course he could do whatever he wanted, which always included getting drunk with his friends. It was also difficult because we were trying to have a baby through this all and he was more worried about getting drunk on his days off than anything else.

When Matt got out of the Air Force is actually when things between us turned really bad. I was trying my best to hold our marriage together, but when someone's favorite thing to tell you is to SHUT THE FUCK UP it makes the home life very difficult. At this time we moved backed to the same town as Matt's family because his mom was very sick and inevitably passed away. This event set him over the edge; he was drinking almost everyday. He would go out and come home really drunk and of course want sex, but I would be asleep. There is nothing like being forced to have sex with your husband when he is holding you down and you're crying. Last time I checked that is still considered rape. It was like being tortured because I knew I would have to look at him the next day. But my dumb ass stayed with him and he even did it to me again. I know I was asking for it. It is the most difficult thing to do; break that hold an abuser has on you. He promised time and time again it would get better and it always did for a short time, but it always went right back. I even remember one time he had a pillow over my face and was laughing as he said, "I could kill you if I wanted to." That was pretty much it, I packed my shit up that night and when he got home from work in the morning I made him put in my Jeep. Of course I came back. It was only for a week that was all it took for him to put his hands on me again. I left his ass while he was sleeping that time and haven't looked back.

It has been rough. I left him and I went through a period where the bottle of vodka was my best least on the weekends. It was the only way that I could see the light at the end of the proverbial tunnel. I was broken and I didn't want to deal with my pain. I still don't like to talk about it. This is actually the first time I have ever talked about it in any kind of detail. If I didn't have my friends there I would not have made it, and if I have not thanked you for your support I want to now!!!

Now the most recent relationship isn't really worth wasting my breath. I just wasted a little over 2 years of my life on the most narcissistic asshole ever. The thing is he really wasn't good looking. He is what you would call on the B team. I thought because he wasn't as good looking as the guys I normally go for he would appreciate me more. Oh boy was I wrong!! I think he lived on his own planet with his crazy ass mother!! I will just refer to him as Douche Bag. I won't change his name or use his real name; I think Douche Bag is fitting.

Okay peeps I've had enough for the night...I'm out! Here's to life, love, happiness, and oh yeah the Internet!!!

1 comment:

  1. OMFG Holli! I have SO been there! Our strength is what will save our souls! Put it all out there, it heals like u would not believe! GREAT writing today girl!